I am a writer. I have always loved writing. Since I was a young child and wrote a 70 page story in 5th grade. I knew I wanted to write. Books, articles, short stories, songs, poems. It didn’t matter unless I was writing. Here I am. Haven’t written in a long time. Why? Not because I don’t want to anymore, or because I have nothing to say. I’m overwhelmed.
I am a teacher. I have always known I wanted to teach. Since I was 13 and helped out with VBS at my church. I love to teach. I feel at home in the classroom. My classroom. Everyday I get to invest in 100 kids. Everyday. I want to be a better teacher. I want to be THAT teacher. The one that changes lives. But I’m overwhelmed.
I am a pastor’s wife. I have always wanted to serve. Since I was 19 and began leading youth girls to His throne to experience His hope and mercy. I love ministry. I love walking beside my husband and serving His people. I still love leading women to His throne to experience His hope and mercy. I want to love people. I want to lead people. I want to minister to people. I don’t want to let them down. But I can’t do it all. I’m so overwhelmed.
I am a daughter. I have an amazing family. Since I was a young child I knew I wanted to grow up and be like my daddy. An educator. My mom has always been my best friend, my biggest fan, my cheerleader. I want to make them proud. But I’m overwhelmed.
I am a mom. I have the most beautiful boy and girl. Since I first laid eyes on them, I fell in love. I want to invest in my children. I want to provide opportunities and experiences for my children. I want to spend time with them, play with them. I want to be an example for them. But sometimes I’m so overwhelmed.
I am a wife. I am married to a godly man who puts his family before himself. Who leads his family in truth. Since I met this man 13 years ago, I knew he was someone I needed in my life. I want to love him more. I want to show him how much I love and care for him. But there are days where I am just so overwhelmed.
I am a child of the King. I gave my heart and life to the One who saves many years ago. 26 years ago at my little blue table in my bedroom. Since that day I have tried to live a righteous life. I have tried to study my Word, pray to Him, live for Him. But I keep failing. I keep breaking my promises. I keep running. I’m so overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed. The word that plagues my mind everyday. The word that knocks on the door of my heart, longing to come in and take control. The word that leaves me feeling like a failure, empty, useless, broken and laid bare for all the world to see. The word that suffocates me so much some days that I just can’t breathe.
That’s when I lay my broken body at the foot of His throne once again. I come. With all of my messes, my failures, my disasters. I come. And all I do is look up. I look up at the One who originally found me, lying on the floor in the midst of ruins. The One who once picked me up, cleaned up my mess, wrapped His robe of righteousness around me, and called me His. His. His beautiful mess. His beautiful disaster. And whispered a promise to my soul. Not the kind of promise that I tell. The broken promises I’ve told. An eternal promise. I will restore you. I will clean you up. I will pick up the pieces and debris you’ve left behind. I will turn your ashes into beauty. I will be merciful to you and withhold the wrath that you deserve. I will lavish my grace upon your broken body until you no longer see a mess, a failure, a disaster. But you see me. My Son. My glory. Keep coming child. Forever come to the throne. To the One who makes you new. And when you fail again, and you will, I will pick you up and show you my beauty. That you may gaze upon what is good and perfect. And see me rather than your failures.
So I come once again to the throne that makes me whole. The One who will remind me once again when I cannot see past my failures who HE is. What HE’S done. And what HE will do again and again in my life.
I am His. I was purchased by His blood. When I wronged Him and sinned against Him, He purchased me anyway. Since the day I chose Him, he has been transforming me. Molding me. Making me into something beautiful and pleasing to Him. When I fail Him over and over again, He picks me up, calls me His, and continues to transform, mold, and make me. I am overwhelmed by His mercy. His grace. His love. His promise. I am His.